Listening to Bone-y Bear really gets my emotions in a knot. Or it opens that closet door, you know the one you keep everything stuff behind so tightly and the even slightly hinging it open causes it all to spill out like a jar of tiny marbles. (I want a jar of marbles!) That's how my emotions are about my future. I hide them because I don't want to deal with them. I'm terrified of them.

I ultimately don't know what I want to do. Then, I want to do everything. I want to dabble in everything, but I know that I can major, or concentration, on "everything." People want you to pick something that is practical. Become a doctor, a business man, a something that we value in society that will get you a fat pay check that you can parade in front of your family and friends.

I don't want that.
I do want that.
It's this do I or don't I?
It's kind of tiring to wonder about constantly.

It's disheartening because people, from articles I've read and conversations I've heard or had, have such a pessimistic look on people who don't partake in these practical careers.  Writing them off or saying things like "that's a useless degree; what are you going to do with that; oh, so you want to be a teacher?"

Sigh.

Truthfully, I want to do nothing and everything. I want to listen to the music I love, read the books I want to read and live the life that I believe in. Not the life that others believe in. I can still be successful and not doing something practical. Just watch me.

I don't think I'll ever know what to do with this account. Sigh.

I envision my future as it is now: Me sitting on my bed, a cup of tea on my dresser, some playlist on in the distance, and the cold air rustling outside my window behind the sun and clouds.

I would love for things to stay this way forever. No cares, no worries.

I'm still interested in managing a full fledged blog. Somewhere where I could post my writing, photography and whatever else I feel like sharing. The only thing is...well I don't know where to start. It's just so much easier to stick with tumblr and pay no mind to this account. It's hard to keep up, and with tumblr I'm checking that constantly on all of my iDevices. So...well, we'll have to see where this idea goes. Also, I'm not sure if people would keep up with it. I mean, I shouldn't be so concerned with others keeping up with me. I've just grown some accustom to the social aspects of Tumblr, that simply moving blogs is kind of worrying me.

Plus, how else would I be able to reblog pictures of half-naked guys? That's the important question.

Was it ever quite enough?

I want to have a full fledged blog. I want to write from time to time and share what's on my mind. I understand that I have my tumblr account, which I absolutely love, but I want something more. Unless, I make my tumblr account much more honed and stick to a certain criteria for my posts. I don't know. Seeing others with full-fledged blogs makes me want one. Sigh.

I miss the privacy.

A few people I know know of my tumblr account. I still don't know how I feel about this. I mean, at least two of them, I told them about my blog. Then I know of others who read it, but don't follow me. Tumblr was a really safe haven for me for a long time. Now it's just kind of turning into this big ol' fade. I'm not saying I'm gonna stop posting on tumblr, its just I don't know. I swore to myself I wouldn't scale back on what I posted, but I feel like I may be doing it anyway.